I dreamed that we were completing the L-turn of the course, English manicured greenery lining our path like bumpers in a novice bowling lane. Two other women had the misfortune to participate in our observed scuffle; both older with grey hair. One woman talked a steady rhythm to her friend, the other listened with silent intensity. Both seemed unaware that their feet were running a race. As far as Jeannie and I were concerned, they were just additional obstacles. Jeannie wasn't a full step ahead of me, but at this point, knowing the curve was ahead, we were all still holding on to our mama, heads down, afraid to make that fateful decision to step out front. Jeannie slowly edged her way forward. Her light feet navigated the tangle of legs and bounced forward inch by inch. I sailed immediately behind in her wake.
Eventually separate from the pack, we found ourselves in total quiet except for the cushioned pounding of our feet. Four women, two grey and two eager. I could feel the possibility at the top of my throat. This might be the day and the world would be watching. Despite her calm bounce, even an irregular comment to the chatty woman in our clique, I knew she was scared. I knew that she was counting my steps attempting to strategize her way out of this one. I felt elated at the knowledge.
We came to the curve. The manicured bushes on our sides suddenly turned straight up to the sky only 40 paces ahead and something in me knew that whoever came out the other side of this "world famous" turn would win today's race. I tried to stay calm and I could feel Jeannie relaxing into her experience. I would have to navigate this one on my own as I temporarily held the lead. I reached out my hand to grab the metal ladder's first rung. It was a strange feeling to stop running, my feet continued into my mind and I tried to slow my breathing for a break while beginning to climb up to the next level of my life. I could sense her disappointment behind as each rung put us further and further apart. I was a good climber and a better runner than she expected.
The old women cheered me on with quiet fortitude and I climbed, timing my breath with each pull. A camera off to my left whirred its way up alongside me, sticking out of the bushes like an awkward spy. I could barely hold back my excitement as I reached the top and began to inhale my victory. I didn't know how to climb off the ladder now that it was behind me. In practice, I would always descend upon reaching the top instead of stepping off and away onto my new plateau. This time however, forward was the only way on and I hadn't trained for the awkward transition. I scooted my left foot around the side, pointing it towards the dense bush while desperately trying to avoid the emptiness between me and the unforgiving ground, 20 or so feet below. She was only 10 steps behind and one of the older women even closer on the ladder to my right. Nope, twisting to the left wasn't working-maybe I should try dismounting to the right. This was so much more awkward than I ever would have imagined, but it was almost over and the rest would be icing.
As I squirmed this way and that, being altogether too aware of my own dizzying height, I overheard Jeannie talking to the women. I thought to myself, "she has had too much of a break if she thinks this is the time for casual conversation," but I had to re-focus my attention and leave her voice behind. I was getting frustrated despite my best efforts to remain calm and I could feel the tension rising all around with every step Jeannie took towards me. Wait a minute, she wasn't coming towards me. She was going back down. My body was pumping with endorphins so loudly I couldn't possibly decipher her illogical move before it was too late.
Some part of my right ear heard it first. The rest of me had all the time in the world to catch up as I arced to the ground in a graceful, terrifying fall. I clung to the ladder's top rung, my elbows wrapped around its stable bar, with every ounce of energy I had left realizing I had made the rookie mistake. She knew that I was faster and she saw the panic in my face as I climbed. She did what she had to do. To her credit, she carefully observed as a faraway spotter would, as I lifted up, back, and away from my salvation.
I lost that race as I prepared my knees for landing hoping there would someday be another chance. My stomach sat in my throat and I cried in fear and frustration as the irreversible occurred all around me. Just before touching ground, I watched as she climbed up and away, having done this race for 15 years. Her feet bounced up the ladder as they bounce everywhere and she saluted me just before disappearing over the heather. I sat on the ground, my legs drained of all power and began to plan for the next time.
